Muslim & Humble Reflections After Outlasting a Fight with COVID-19
At the start of the coronavirus outbreak in March, like many others, I watched the film Contagion, which depicted a fictional global pandemic. The details in the film were eerily similar to the media coverage and projections at the time regarding the outbreak; from the airborne nature of the virus, to how it was spread by animal (pigs and bats in an open marketplace), and Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s CNN features to discuss “social distancing.” In March, the public had little information about COVID-19. We were told the noble lie that masks don’t prevent the spread of the virus, and predictions estimated that 100,000 Americans would die from the disease. Such a number was unimaginable — and now, 274,332 deaths later, we still grapple with the pandemic that has taken away the lives of so many innocent and loved ones.
After watching Contagion, I was terrified. I thought the pandemic would wipe out a huge segment of our population, and that this was an apocalyptical experience of the 21st century. In that moment, after watching that film, feeling such real fear, I made a promise to myself to radically transform into the person I’ve always worked to be. A person who would earn the mercy of God to realize His promise of Paradise. A person who fulfilled her personal, professional, familial, spiritual, and communal duties and responsibilities seamlessly and most effectively.
Undoubtedly, He would forgive me for my shortcomings, mistakes, and all the wrong decisions I’ve made in my lifetime. It was simply a matter of making every right decision from that moment onward to reach my perfection. I thought an increased consciousness of death would have a transformative effect on my life. I thought I would snap into the person I always wanted myself to be, reach my goals more quickly and unlock my full potential.
But I didn’t.
I maintained relatively the same lifestyle, practices, and habits I had before COVID — a life of sincerity, but not perfection.
Many months later, now in November, I tested positive for COVID-19 after experiencing severe flu and cold symptoms, chest pain, and shortness of breath. I experienced the grueling physical toll of COVID-19, which I can’t put into words. As someone with an underlying condition, an autoimmune disorder, too, some days I was scared to even sleep, fearing I wouldn’t wake up. My mother prayed for me incessantly, and sent me supplications via text to read every night, reminding me “my life was in the hands of Allah.” Psychologically, this was a harrowing experience. Again, as I did back in March, I made a promise to myself that I would completely transform my being and my life.
But I didn’t.
I maintained relatively the same lifestyle, practices, and habits I had before COVID — a life of sincerity, but not perfection.
Even when I went to the hospital due to increased feelings of pressure in my chest and shortness of breath in the third week — I did not become a completely changed person for even that day. Now, in my healing, I am able to reflect upon my experiences and draw a very important lesson.
My fear of and my fight with COVID-19 taught me that there won’t be a euphoric moment in my life that changes me. Who I am, my values, my practices, my habits, and my beliefs — are ultimately in my control, and are a culmination of decisions I make every waking minute of my life. It is not one moment in one’s life that will transform a person, rather, it is a slower, metamorphic process that shapes who we are over our lifespans.
Learning one’s strengths and weaknesses, steadily, building the rights habits, steadily, is what establishes the right practices for us to reach our life goals and manifest our full and ideal selves. We know our Lord’s mercy is eternal and infinite, and if one was on his deathbed and sincerely repented for his mistakes, He would forgive him entirely and grant him Paradise for his genuinity in that moment alone.
But we can’t wait for that climactic moment. Because it might never come.
Our capacity for growth is infinite and its realization is not bound to any particular intercept of time. Our moment was yesterday, it is tomorrow, and it is now.
